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Lying Dead by ~IAC:iconIAC:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Philosophical > Open


The delegation of the nation
Keeping the litigation flowing
While the masses keep showing
Their faces display false knowing
Which turns the head of state
And helps them create
The coalition of the willing
Yet the blood keeps spilling
The innocents keep tilling
The fields with their bodies
And their souls form the basis
Of a permanent stasis
To lead to inevitable end
So they no longer defend
The rights they once had
Then it all leads to this place
With the poor lying face down dead
For a cause they never knew
And the liars keep lying
While the poor keep dying
For a cause thats not true
©2009 ~IAC
:iconiac:

Author's Comments

Just one that I've been playing around with lately. Its not too bad. could be a bit better flowing/longer... alot longer.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconautumn-cannibal:
~autumn-cannibal May 31, 2009, 4:42:54 AM
I think considering the rhyming structure you've got going the length is ample :) really enjoyed reading this one

--
Cruciatus Animus, Pius Vates
:iconiac:
~IAC Jun 1, 2009, 4:41:48 PM
You think? Im not too sure about it, I'd like it to go a little longer, maybe get a bit more angry and actaully put some content in there, make it a little more political? either way, at the moment all its really doing is taking some really basic rhymes and jsut ensuring that it flows. Even then the structure is fairly broken. but it still works. However that doesnt change the fact that it still remains a very easy poem to read! :P

--
(\_/)
(o.o) The bunni commands it...........please
(")(")
:iconautumn-cannibal:
~autumn-cannibal Jun 4, 2009, 2:31:23 PM
It's really nice to read I know what you mean, but maybe if you wanted it to be angry and political I may have read it wrong lol

--
Cruciatus Animus, Pius Vates
:iconiac:
~IAC Jun 4, 2009, 3:42:08 PM
hmmmm not so much angry and political but at least referencing the wrong done. as i said it needs alot more body... needs to get the point across, so i think it failed in that regard! :P

--
(\_/)
(o.o) The bunni commands it...........please
(")(")
:iconautumn-cannibal:
~autumn-cannibal Jun 9, 2009, 11:32:25 AM
I don't think it failed at all

--
Cruciatus Animus, Pius Vates
:iconiac:
~IAC Jun 9, 2009, 4:05:35 PM
well so long as you like it thats all that really matters! :P

--
(\_/)
(o.o) The bunni commands it...........please
(")(")
:iconccrystal14:
~CCrystal14 Jun 18, 2009, 9:21:04 PM
This has a very rythmic beat to it. Only two lines seem out of it, but thats alright. I really enjoyed your poem ;)

--
Oh my god what have I done?
(Do it again)
All I wanted was a little fun
(Do it again)
Got a brain like bubble gum
(Do it again)
Blowin out my cranium
(Do it again)

~Do it again by The Chemical Brothers
:iconiac:
~IAC Jun 18, 2009, 9:31:44 PM
Ooohhh which lines!!!
i love getting criticism! the harsher the better! :P
may sound weird, but i love hearing what other people think, it helps me improve my own work ^^

--
(\_/)
(o.o) The bunni commands it...........please
(")(")
:iconccrystal14:
~CCrystal14 Jun 18, 2009, 9:50:08 PM
Ok the two lines are...
Their faces display false knowing
With the poor lying face down dead

They just don't seem to fit well along with the rest of the poem, is all. I think its too many syllables. If you'd like my advice, I suggest you do a syllable count every time you write a poem to make sure it doesn't go over too much or too little. I do that and it helps. ^_^

I do happen to enjoy giving criticisms lol

--
Oh my god what have I done?
(Do it again)
All I wanted was a little fun
(Do it again)
Got a brain like bubble gum
(Do it again)
Blowin out my cranium
(Do it again)

~Do it again by The Chemical Brothers
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